This is one that Lake dwellers can relate to on the "HOT" Beer scale.
The following is a letter sent to Miller Brewing Company earlier this month.
Miller Brewing Company
Milwaukee, Wisconsin 53201
Dear Sir or Madam,
I have been a drinker of Miller beer's for many years (actually,
ever since that other company donated a big chunk of change to Handgun
Control Inc. back in the mid 80's).
Initially, my beer of choice was Lite, but some time in mid 1990 while in Honduras I switched to MGD smuggled up from Panama. Now, for nearly six years, I have been a faithful drinker of MGD.
For these past years, I have come to expect certain things from Genuine Draft. I expect that whenever I see that gold can of MGD, I am about ready to enjoy a great, smooth brew.
But wait! Sometime around the first of the year, my beloved MGD changed colors, so to speak. That familiar gold can was no longer gold! Knowing that I am, by nature, somewhat resistant to change, I forced myself to reserve Judgment on the new can design.
Gradually, I grew to appreciate the new label.
That was until about May of this year. That was when I discovered (empirically) that I really didn't like the new design. Further investigation of the cause of my distress resulted in the following observations:
|Beer Type||Average Suckpoint (min)|
|Miller Lite (white can)||6.2|
|Bud (white can)||5.5|
|Bud Lite (silver can)||5.2|
|Ice House (blue and silver can)||4.4|
|Coors Lite (silver can)||4.1|
|Miller Genuine Draft (black can)||2.8|
|Coors (gold can)||0.1|
It was evident that the color of the can directly correlates to the average suckpoint, except for Coors which was pretty much determined to suck at any point.
It is to be hoped that you will consider re-designing your MGD cans. All beer drinkers that are not smart enough to keep their beer in the shade will thank you.
I have a friend that works for Miller Brewing in Milwaukee and she knew about the letter sent in by Bradley Lee. She sent me the Miller response and it appears below. She says they have had a lot of fun with this guys letter.
Dear Bradley Lee,
Thank you for your letter and your concern about the MGD can color as it relates to premature warming of the contents. Like you, we at Miller Beer take beer drinking very seriously. To that end, we have taken your letter and subsequent experiment under serious consideration. Outlined below are our findings and solution to your problem. May we add that we have had similar letters from other loyal beer drinkers, mostly from the Southern United States.
First, let us congratulate you on your findings. Our analysis tends to agree with yours regarding Coors. It certainly does suck at about any temperature.
Now, it was our intentions when redesigning the MGD can to create better brand identity and brand loyalty. Someone in marketing did some kind of research and determined we needed to redesign the can. You will bepleased to know, we have fired that idiot and he is now reeking havoc at a pro-gun control beer manufacturer. The design staffer working in cahoots with the marketing idiot was also down-sized.
However, once we realized this mistake, to undo it would have been even a bigger mistake. So, we took some other actions. From our market research, we found a difference between Northern beer drinker and Southern beer drinkers.
Beer drinkers in the South tend to drink slower than beer drinkers in the North. We are still researching why that is. Anyway, at Miller Beer, it was never our intentions to have someone take more than 2.5 minutes to enjoy one of our beers. We pride ourselves in creating fine, smooth, quick drinking beers and leave the making of sissy, slow sipping beers to that Sam guy in Boston.
However, it is good to know that you feel our Miller Lite can last as long as 6 minutes. However, may we suggest in the future you try consuming at least two in that time frame.
From your letter, we had our design staff work 'round the clock to come up with a solution that would help not just MGD but all our fine Miller products.
We hope you have recently noticed our solution to your problem. We found that the hole in the top of the can was not big enough for quick consumption.
So, we have now introduced the new "Wide Mouth" cans. We hope this will solve all your problems. Might I also suggest that if you want to get the beer out of the can even faster, you can poke a hole on the side near the bottom, hold your finger over it, open the can, tip it to your mouth and then pull your finger off the hole. This is a common way to drink beer at parties and impress your friends. This technique is known as "shot-gunning".
You should like the name.
Again, thank you for your letter and bring to our attention that there might be other beer drinkers taking more that 2.5 minutes to drink our beers. Let me assure you that I am have our advertising department work on campaign to solve this problem, too.
Tom B. Miller
Miller Brewing Co.
P.S. And remember, at Miller Beer we do favor gun control, too. So please use two hands when firing.
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